Addiction. The big, fat, elephant in the room.
This is the first of an entire series of blog posts around different aspects of addiction.
*Trigger warnings ahead*
The big, fat, elephant in the room.
You can just feel how uncomfortable someone is by you simply mentioning the word.
That alone is enough to not want to talk about it or tell people about it.
At the same time, it makes you want to talk to them about it.
It’s a double edge sword.
- Know what it’s like to live in those shoes.
- Know what it’s like to love an addict.
- Have felt the pain of losing someone because of addiction.
- You’re completely clueless in all aspects – some with compassion, some are lacking.
If you ARE clueless, I’m totally not knocking you by any means. In fact, I’m truly thankful that you are because it’s something that NO ONE should have to go through. Whether it’s being an addict, loving one, or losing one.
Personally, I can resonate with all of them.
- I’ve been an addict.
- I’ve judged addicts.
- I’ve loved addicts.
- I’ve lost addicts.
She said what?!
That’s right, someone better call the newspaper because I just publicly admitted to being an addict. One of the many things that I thought I would take to my grave. I told myself that I would.
Never in a million years did I think I’d be writing a blog post about it for the entire world to see.
I tried so hard to hide my addiction from anyone that I could.
And if I was confronted about it, DENIAL DENIAL DENIAL!
For me though, loving an addict was far more difficult than actually being one.
You start thinking,
“Was there something I could have done to help them?”
“Should I have been easier on them?”
“What if that were me?”
“Maybe if I hadn’t said ___ or did ___ then they’d still be here”
Of course you also have those times when loving one brings you right back into it.
Then you actually go through a moment of guilt.
“Why could I escape but they couldn’t?”
I mean, the questions that go through your mind are endless.
Knowing that you made it to the light & they didn’t, is a painful thought.
The harsh truth is, at the end of the day, the only person who can change our lives is ourselves.
We have to want the help.
We have to want to get clean.
We have to become strong enough.
We have to actually give in & let go before we can move on.
All you can do as an outsider is love them, be there for them, to NOT be judgemental. Love them from a distance if that’s what you have to do. I know that sometimes it is necessary. I promise that doesn’t make you a bad person.
I feel for anyone who loved me through my addiction because for me, loving an addict is…
- Mentally draining
- Feeling helpless
In other words, it’s not easy. It’s really not.
So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you & God bless y’all for sticking with me through mine. Even if you didn’t know about it. Y’all are fckin’ troopers! Because I know how hard it is ♡
I used to hear the awful things people would say about addicts, even before I was one. I watched people cut people they loved completely off because of their addiction. I listened to people say they would never speak to people again if they found out they were an addict. I witnessed how cruel addicts were treated at times without even doing anything other than entering a room.
Everyone is entitled to their own thoughts & opinions. There is no right or wrong.
All I’m saying is, when you hear those things & you’re in an addiction that no one knows about… you tend to want to shut yourself off. And most of the time, you do.
Oh, & the jokes on social media about it were everywhere, along with the arguments I noticed between others at times.
I even know the things I said myself at times.
That was one of the scariest thoughts for me… people saying those things about me, leaving me because they found out, calling me names, looking at me like I’m less than. Afraid they would think that I was going to steal from them because that’s one of those things I always heard. “Lock your stuff up before ____ comes over. You know they’re an addict.” Acting like I had something contagious. I was terrified of that happening.
The last thing I wanted was the people I loved, abandoning me.
Back then, I had an amazing support system, as I do now. But for some reason, I always felt alone. Still to this day, I can’t really explain it.
I knew who I was, who I truly was deep down in my heart, but I lost her through the haze. And for me, that was truly devastating.
Where did the girl I used to know go?
She wasn’t perfect but I would have loved to have her back instead.
Where did everything go wrong? What happened to me?
But I was asking the wrong questions. I should have been asking myself how I could get her back. And then taking action on getting her back. Like I’ve done in the last several years. Slowly but surely finding her again.
I knew who all of those people were. Those ones that I once loved, the ones I called friends, the ones I called family. Who they were before the drugs took over.
They too were & some still are lost in that same haze & just can’t see clearly yet.
It changes you.
- How you act.
- How you think.
- Your entire personality.
- How you see things.
- Your priorities.
I mean everything.
You start to just not care.
Sometimes it happens so fast, it seems like it’s too late to control it.
It’s like one minute you’re having fun, laughing & carrying on, then it feels like you’re slowly being suffocated.
You wonder how it got that bad, where you went wrong, why you made the choices you had, & why you can’t seem to escape it.
Now, I’m not making excuses. I own up to any & all of my actions.
At some point though, I lost complete control. I was spiraling & I no longer knew who I was or which way to turn.
I wanted to talk to my mom the most, but at the same time, I didn’t. I wanted to ask for help but I was scared.
If you have someone to want to talk to, talk to them please. Don’t be like me.
Some of us would hide it, & some didn’t give a shit who knew.
The sad truth of it all is, not everyone makes it out. Some of them live in it for many years. Some of them lose their lives because of it. And some of them end up in jail.
I’ve seen it all.
I’ve thought I would never make it out alive at times.
Once I finally got clean my mentality got so twisted.
Instead of sympathizing with them I was being harsh as fck.
I used to be in this whole “I got clean, why can’t you?” attitude.
I’m not proud of it, that’s for sure. And the best thing I ever did is drop that mentality.
It’s a closed minded way of thinking.
Today, I’ve grown into a much better person, while gaining a better understanding of others & myself.
Everyones story is different. I realize this now.
And in the upcoming blog post, you’re going to hear all about mine. (Stay tuned, you’re definitely not going to want to miss this one)
It took me too long to walk away.
So glad I started learning to go with my intuition, & love myself.
It took far too long. But it was such a beautiful feeling.
Addiction changes people.
You don’t even recognize people anymore, or yourself.
But the beautiful thing is, anyone can overcome it, they just have to want to, they have to find that one reason to move forward.
You don’t have to agree.
You don’t have to like what I say.
I simply hope that by gaining a better understanding, you’ll be more sensitive to the topic as a whole & maybe you’ll think before you speak.
I’m not here to please everyone, to change how you feel about it, I’m here to share my stories & experiences to be sensitive yet real. With hope that someone out there will read my story & realize that they don’t have to live in the darkness forever.
Hope y’all are ready. Its gonna get real deep, real raw, & real open. But then its gonna get real fckin’ bright!
The whole point is to show the light at the end of the darkness. Not just the darkness. Because every story, every experience, has a light at the end, waiting for them to discover.
- Everyone out there knows that someone DOES understand & someone WILL listen, that they are NOT alone ever & don’t have to do any of it alone ♡
- I can give you a different perspective.
- I can at least get you thinking a little differently, if only for a second.
I’ve taken each & every one of y’alls suggestions on blog posts & wrote them down.
But this topic has been weighing on my heart hard so it’s time to stop putting it off when people are losing their lives every day 💖
My soul is telling me its time to use my voice.
As scary as it is, as nervous as I may be. This isn’t for me. This is for you.
Come & connect with us over in the sunflower field, WSA – Overcome & Stand Strong 🌻 we’re waiting to link arms with you!