Chapter 2 – Addiction hurts everyone
Welcome back beauties.
So happy to have you here for Chapter 2.
I decided to call this one “addiction hurts everyone” because it does hurt EVERYONE involved; the addict themselves, their family, their friends, their children, whoever is in their lives.
Others always assume that just because someone is an addict, they don’t have pain, they don’t hurt, they aren’t affected internally, they don’t think about what they’re doing therefore there’s no way they could care about anyone else, they’re selfish, etc. I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me, all of that would be false. I did have pain, I did hurt, I was affected greatly, especially internally, & for a very long time. Sometimes I cared too much about everyone else, not caring about my own self, I didn’t think before I acted or spoke a lot of times, & because of that, I struggled even more.
If you missed Chapter 1, or the post before that, be sure to go back & read those first…
At the end of my full blown addiction, I weighed 145 lbs., & was extremely underweight & unhealthy. My entire life, I was so damn hard on myself about being bigger due to bullying, constant comments from different people referring to my weight, lack of self love. When I started losing weight from the pills, that also began to play a major role in my addiction.
It’s funny, I remember being told how good I looked by people once I started losing weight, most of them being people I wanted to hear it from for a long time, people who gave me a hard time about my size. Too bad those people didn’t know why I got so thin, maybe they wouldn’t have felt that way…
Riding in the truck one day, I could feel my leg bone rub against the truck door & I made a comment to my mom about it. That’s when I really started looking at myself truthfully. I wasn’t thin, I didn’t look good, I was unhealthy.
As stated previously, I left the situation I was in, but still didn’t leave the lifestyle.
I struggled off & on for years with the drugs & the alcohol. If it was in front of me, I did it, & that was a real big problem that needed to be solved.
I was still hanging around the same types of people, the bad shit didn’t stop. I escaped the addiction, but was still dabbling when I shouldn’t have been & I knew it.
When you finally break free from the chains, its crucial to cut it all off, not just pick & choose. It’s a good way to end up travelling that road again if you don’t. I never got as bad as I once was, but I did travel down that road after that, more times than what I’d like to admit. And there were times when I think I really could have. I could have easily ended up right where I had been before. Please don’t take that chance. Ultimately it could mean life or death. I don’t want that for you.
I had been seeing this guy & when we hung out I always kept my phone off. Before leaving on this particular night, I had helped a friend of mine get hooked up with another friend to buy pills. I wasn’t doing them like that anymore but I still had the same friends, & was still playing middle man. I arrive home that night, turn my phone on & it starts going off the hook with notifications. My heart was on the floor when I started opening the text messages & listening to the voicemails. Threats upon threats upon harassment. Him & his boys were going to show up to my house, hurt me & my family if I didn’t get him the money he was owed. He was given $500 in counterfeit money & since I was the middle man, I was automatically a part of it.
I was terrified, panic attack after panic attack, hysterically crying, it was a feeling I had never experienced before & never wanted to again. If I hadn’t put myself in the middle, it would have never happened so I felt like it was on me to take care of. I searched everywhere, called everyone I could think of, trying to find the guy. I grew more & more scared for my life as the night passed by.
It was by far one of the most horrible feelings I had ever experienced in my life time. I didn’t sleep a wink, cried all night long, kept checking the doors every second to make sure that they were locked, peeking out of the windows thinking someone would be there. I checked on my brother & my parents every 5 minutes, terrified that something was going to happen to them due to my poor decisions. I couldn’t allow this to happen ever again.
I no longer talked to either of these “friends” after that & also lost a high school friendship over it for many years.
The next day, I didn’t even want anyone to leave the house, didn’t want to go outside of the house, was so scared someone would be waiting. I argued with my mom about sitting downstairs with the door open. She wasn’t scared because she’s just a bad ass who was ready to take them all on at one time (HaHa) but I was so scared that I truly didn’t want the doors unlocked let alone opened.
Eventually, everything got settled, he said he found the guy, that everything was fine, he knew I didn’t have anything to do with it, he was sorry. But the friendship was already over at that point. I was relieved that it was finally all over & I no longer had to worry but the trauma lingered for a long time. The whole thing really put me on edge though; always feeling paranoid, looking over my shoulder, afraid something was going to happen at any moment in time. It took me a while before I felt okay again.
It was horrifying.
The positive… It scared me enough to stop me from putting myself in the middle anymore.
My life, families lives, were worth more than that.
And girl, let me say, you lose “friends” quick, fast, & in a hurry, when you stop helping them find drugs, but you realize they weren’t really your friends after all. So hellllller, there’s another positive right there!
Drugs & alcohol ultimately did nothing for my life & I’m telling you baby, it’s not going to benefit yours either. If anyone knows, it’s me.
Pills, coke, alcohol, none of it made me forget the tragedy, trauma, or pain I felt in my every day life; it didn’t make me forget about my best friends accident or the grief I was trying to cover up; it didn’t help me in any positive way whatsoever. All it did was make things worst in the long run.
When the addiction was over, I still had to face those things I had been avoiding, & waiting so long to do so made it an even longer process. How much easier would it have been if I had just faced them head on from day one?
Sure, drugs may numb your pain temporarily but when is enough enough? Every single time they wear off, it’s going to surface, & trust me, it’s going to be stronger every time; you can’t run forever.
That’s how it all began…
Doing something 1 time to numb the pain & the next thing you know, you’re so lost in it that you don’t know how to escape.
Once you come out of the addiction, all of the feelings come rushing back 10x’s stronger than before. Every single thing I buried deep down, everything I felt before, it all surfaced, & hit me like a ton of bricks.
Tragedy can impact your life so deeply that you feel like you can’t breathe anymore, you need to escape, you need to find a way out. You feel like something is wrong with you, you just want all of the feelings to disappear. It’s not going to & it won’t until you face these things head on, accept them, acknowledge them, feel them, embrace them & when you’re ready, just let them go into the clouds. And yes, it’s definitely easier said than done. It takes a lot of hard ass work, I’m not going to lie, but it’s so damn worth it.
You’re going to have to feel it & experience it yourself to find out.
I triple dog dare ya.
So many different traumas, including the one that was surrounding my addiction, I had been told to get over, made to feel bad for taking “too long” to grieve, people have told me that I was overreacting, trying to get attention, etc. I’ve blamed myself for things that have happened to me that weren’t my fault, beat myself up over things that are out of my control. That mixture right there can mess you all up inside if you don’t do something. Hellllller, once again, I would know!
I had this mindset that once the addiction was gone, I wouldn’t have to worry about anything, like the drugs would make it all disappear. Ha ha. That was a joke. As soon as you’re sober, the shit creeps right back in on you, trying to consume you, trying to pull you back down into the darkness, & sometimes it works.
Personally, I had to find something that would help me to be stronger mentally.
Addiction, for me, in the end, only brought more pain, more sadness, more hurt, more anger, more heartache, more issues with my inner self. And let me tell y’all, I was much harder on myself after I got sober & that made it extremely difficult to not go back. I pushed people so far away that a lot of them would never come back. I stopped acting like I cared about anything at all, until the point where I was just emotionless on the outside. On the inside I was eating myself alive & no one knew.
The longer you’re in it, the stronger those feelings grow inside. Each time something resurfaces, you find yourself getting high instead of dealing with it right then, which is a HUGE mistake. You start to feel like you’re living life without a purpose & if you’re anything like me, you start to feel like you have no clue what’s going on anymore, what you’re doing, nothing.
I can’t tell you how long my list of regrets & mistakes were back then. Throughout addiction, the lies grew from trying to cover it up & hide it from the world. Sometimes you tell so many lies that you start to lose track of what’s the actual truth vs. a lie. I hurt people, I hurt myself, never intentionally, but sadly I did.
You don’t think clearly, you don’t think at all sometimes, you do things completely out of character. For me, that led to so much shame & disappointment.
Now, before I go any further, the things I’ve done in my past were wrong & by no means am I justifying any of it. I felt like I was out of control of myself & everything around me. It’s a feeling that I can’t explain. Honestly, I can say though, I have since accepted them as lessons learned, a part of what made me who I am today, & something I’ve since forgiven myself for. It took many years but when it finally happened, it was the most freeing feeling. I pray that every single one of you gets to experience that.
It’s such a low, defeated type of feeling knowing you did things that just weren’t you, things you could never take back or ever forget about, things that others likely wouldn’t forget about either. I want you to know babes, that things get so much brighter! You’ll no longer focus on the negative but start finding the positive. It takes work & dedication to yourself but I promise, it’s such a beautiful feeling that just isn’t comparable to anything else.
So many situations I got myself into, could have been so dangerous for me, even life threatening. I really could have messed my life up, even worst than I already had. I’m truly thankful for the chances I got considering so many others weren’t as lucky as I was.
There will come a time during your sobriety where you feel completely alone, like something is missing, even when others are around. You have to be stronger than I was & remember the end goal. And please don’t forget, if people are no longer in your life, it’s for a reason! Don’t back track because you feel lonely like I did, don’t let them try & convince you to let them back in. I can promise you, it isn’t worth it at all. There are so many out there that will only keep you down. You need to be so careful.
But, there are also so many beautiful souls that will lift you up. Find them & let them.
Around 2011, an old high school friend got out of jail & we started hanging out again. Eventually, we were doing pills together & there I was once again. One day, a mutual friend of ours & one of their friends who I didn’t know, stopped by. There we stood, in the kitchen, doing pills together. Little did I know, the stranger in the house would end up being a piece of my life forever & at one point, a HUGE part of me.
When I met him, something just drew me towards him. It didn’t take long before I found him on Facebook. He messaged me first, we started talking, hanging out, & not long after, dating. It didn’t take long for me to fall. Things were not ideal though. I still didn’t have a vehicle, he didn’t have his own either, I didn’t have a job, neither did he, I lived with my parents, he lived with his mom. I didn’t care & not caring was completely dangerous. It also led to more issues in my inner self & life in general.
The very first night we hung out, he ends up going to jail for violating probation. I beat myself up BAD over that. But when he got out, we were together every chance we got, & usually we were partying hard. We had a blast most of the time (those are stories for another day haha) but eventually things started to change & it was like a roller coaster of emotions all of the time. One minute things were great, then they were going downhill.
Although we had fun, sometimes we were very irresponsible & did really stupid things that could have gotten us hurt or someone else.
After a while, I was getting trashed just so that I didn’t have to face the reality of what I was wrestling with inside at times.
Side note: There are several chapters in my book of life where I struggled with alcohol abuse. Sometimes it was scary. Sometimes I’d drink until I got sick, until I blacked out, until my blood pressure would bottom out. When I did drink, I always went over board. It was basically go big or go home. There was no limit for me.
When you’re drinking heavily like I was at times, sometimes it’s all fun & other times it can get scary. Some mornings you’ll wake up & don’t know how you got where you are, some nights you have to be carried home because you can’t even walk yourself there. There will be times when you don’t realize just how stupid you acted the night before, until you sober up. I’d stay up until 9AM, drinking myself sober.
Some nights were so much fun & others I’d prefer to forget about.
Fights, arguments, tears, anger, yelling, laughing, smiling, singing, dancing, throwing up, almost passing out, etc.
I recall nights when I would be sitting there & all of a sudden my blood pressure would bottom out. One night a friend of mine literally had to catch me because I started to pass out & almost fell off of the counter. I wasn’t taking my medicine the way that I was supposed to nor was I supposed to even be drinking alcohol because of my health condition. Once again, irresponsible.
I’ll be fine. Nothing bad will happen to me.
That was the mentality I had. But the drinking made it worst. And do you think I cared? Not at the time. There were several times when my mom had to call him on the phone just to try to get him to get me to take my medicine. He would get so upset with me & always asked “did you take your medicine today?” & he would make me take it, but sometimes I still didn’t. The back & forth with my meds was messing me up further & making my condition worse.
This was another time in my life when I really struggled internally. I had so much guilt from not having a job, no contribution, no car, nothing. This was another time when I was doing some things I shouldn’t have been. We were doing pills sometimes, sometimes coke, drinking whenever we could, smoking too. Sometimes things were so bad that we were making our own cigarettes out of old cigarettes that were in the ashtray. And that’s one taste I’ll never forget, YUCK!
During our relationship, we lived with 2 of his family members, & with my parents for a short period of time.
I met some great people, made some unforgettable memories, & really had a lot of fun at times. But sometimes things were far from great. My relationship was on the rocks, a lot. As bad as I wanted to ignore it & keep pretending it wasn’t happening, I couldn’t. It would always come up when I was drinking. And it would always cause a huge argument. We split up & I almost moved out once for talking to other girls behind my back, so the next time something happened, I brushed it under the rug because I honestly just didn’t want to see what was going on.
If we were drinking when something happened, it made the drinking for me that night, even worse. I remember nights where I’d go in the bathroom & cry but as soon as I came out, I was back to drinking heavily.
I went out of state with a friend in 2012 & got my very first reading done. That’s when I finally got the closure that I always needed, & things really started to change for me after that. It’s a feeling that you can’t possibly describe unless you’ve experienced it yourself. That’s also a story for another day (a really good one at that, so stay tuned)
Although I finally found what I had been searching for, a huge missing piece, I still felt pretty lost in life.
When you start thinking about the things in your past, it’s so damn hard to slip right back down that same path. Or when things aren’t really going the greatest at times & you start feeling yourself get down. It can happen so easily if you’re not careful. I’m not ashamed to say that it’s happened to me more than once because it taught me everything that I’m sharing with you now. For that, I will always be grateful.
You don’t believe you’re strong enough to overcome. I didn’t either. But you are stronger than you think!
You become blinded by all of the negative bullshit you’re feeding yourself & even more by the negative that others are feeding you.
Your mind is so clouded by the addiction, the pain, the negativity.
You don’t believe you deserve any better but I’m telling you right now, I believe that EVERYONE deserves better.
I was actually manifesting more negative into my world without even realizing it. You won’t even realize it until after the fact & your mind actually gets clearer.
The more mistakes I made, the more things that happened, instead of learning & growing, I let it bring me further down, I used all of it as excuses to keep kicking myself, ultimately bringing myself down. What a vicious cycle that was!
You swear you’ll never escape & girl, if you keep telling yourself that, you won’t.
I had to own up to everything I did in my life, had to stop pointing the fingers at others, no more making excuses & no more lies. It’s a tough fucking pill to swallow, let me tell you. But it’s necessary in your growth.
You’re going to lose people, almost lose people, people from your past will start to ruin their lives, some of them even overdosing, some in & out of jail, some even losing their lives.
The sad reality is, not everyone makes it out of that life like I did, not everyone can on their own like I did, & honestly I wouldn’t advise ever trying to do it alone. I should have asked for help, I wished I had. If I could go back, that’s the one thing I would have done. Doing it alone is effin’ hard & so exhausting.
A hard pill to swallow is when you made it out but others don’t.
I’ve seen people that I knew like the back of my hand, end up becoming an addict, people you would never expect it out of in a million years. Addiction doesn’t discriminate; no one is immune. I’ve watched people I used to know extremely well, come up to me & speak to me but not have a single clue who I was. That’s a sad ass reality let me tell you.
I’ve watched people be prescribed pain meds, have the best life you could imagine, end up hooked on them, lose everything. Some of them end up turning to heroin, some of them turning to other drugs, some staying addicted to the opioids. I’ve seen people I used to be friends with go to jail for things you’d never imagined. When I say I’ve been in shock I’m talking about seeing people with good heads on their shoulders, people you thought you knew so well, getting into a lot of trouble or just ruining their lives in general. It’s hard as hell to build from the bottom up but you can do it, just like I did. Positivity is a HUGE key. Changing that mindset can work wonders. I’m serious.
Little did I know, addiction would affect my life forever. I would start to lose people, I would almost lose people, I’d hear about people I knew over dosing or ending up in jail, a few overdosed & lived to tell about it, but many weren’t so fotrunate. Every day, the number of people who would lose their life, go to jail, or simply become an addict, would rise. Sometimes you didn’t know the people personally, sometimes you knew them so well at one point, sometimes it’s just an aquaintence or someone elses loved one. It doesn’t matter. It stops me in my tracks every single time. It takes my heart straight to the floor, every single time. I always stop to just thank God for helping me to see the light before it was too late but I also stop to pray for everyone who didn’t.
The other day, I clicked on my state’s website & the first thing I saw was a number at the top of the page…. how many people have died from an overdose in my state within the year. It increases every day. It’s honestly sad that things have gotten that bad. And all I can ever to is cry tears of happiness that I’m not one of those numbers.
I’m so damn thankful to see people getting clean & changing their lives every single day. I’m thankful that so many people I know made it out alive. I’m so fucking grateful that I made it out alive. In the same breath, my heart breaks into a million pieces thinking of those who lost their lives, who lost everything. For those families who are now without a loved one, the friends who are missing someone, anyone who has been devastated by addiction, anyone who is trying to help someone & feels so helpless, the ones who are watching their loved ones kill themselves & there’s nothing you can do. I love all of you.
The sad fact is… You truly cannot help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. You can love them, you can try everything you can, you can pray for them, you can be there for them, but until they actually accept it & want it, they can’t be helped.
If you take any advice from me, take this…
Worry about yourself more babes. Put yourself first more often. Stop letting others tell you how selfish it is, it’s not! It’s the most important thing you can do for yourself, your life, & your happiness. You can worry about yourself AND worry about others, but please stop putting yourself on the backburner like I always did.
For me, nothing really changed until I started working on myself. So much starts to shift when you do. Sometimes it’s tiny little shifts, sometimes it’s major ones. Pay attention or you’ll miss them.
They all add up in the end.
It’s so easy to get caught up in focusing on what you don’t have & lose sight of what you do.
For example, I could focus on the fact that I’m almost 30 & still live at home with my parents & it’s just not ¨ideal¨ instead, I choose to focus on the fact that my son gets to spend every single day with his grandparents, uncle, & great grandparents.
It’s all about mindset shift. Which is another topic we’re going to further talk about in the future. But I’m telling you, inner work is the beginning to everything good.
Today, I want you to take something negative you say to yourself & change it into something positve. Hang onto that positive thought all day & let me know how you feel tomorrow, email me & let me know! Or post it in the comments below.