My Addiction – Chapter 1

The one thing you don’t learn about in school… Opioid abuse.

I can recall several times when I myself was prescribed pain medicine for things, as a teenager. Up until this moment, the only thing I had ever done was drink (a lot) I didn’t smoke weed or cigarettes for the first time until I was 18 years old. Little did I know, that would change, faster than I ever imagined.

The year was 2009, 10 whole years ago, only 19 years young.

Before everything changed ^

This is one thing I never thought I’d be sharing but it needs to be heard by so many.

I had a lot going for me but at the same time, I was really struggling on the inside. Had a job I loved, eventually enrolling in college, my own truck, always going out & having fun. What you would think just by looking at me, was far from what it really was. I was really good at hiding things. On the outside I was happy, smiling, living my best life, but on the inside it was a whole other ball game. I felt lost, broken, misunderstood, unheard, alone, confused. I found myself always searching for more, always looking for my purpose, feeling like I would never find it. I lived a negative, self destructive life, & I’m not proud of it but it has most definitely taught me a lot as the years have gone by.

I am omitting certain things due to trigger warnings & to protect everyone’s privacy in my story.

April, tragedy struck. It was something I never in a million years, expected to happen. Just a small reminder that life is too short, absolutely anything can happen, even to those you always saw as invinsible. Another reminder, no one is invinsible.

By the way, before we go any further, if you happened to miss part 1 of this series, you can find that here… Addiction – The big fat elephant in the room

It happens so fast, you won’t even see it coming. One day you’re having a good time with your friends, trying to forget for a while. The next thing you know, you’ve turned into someone you don’t recognize.

You think, oh just one won’t hurt. But it starts with just one, then one leads to two, & so on. Then you’re doing so many 30mg percocets a day that you lose track of how many you’re actually pumping into your body. All within 1 year. How does it go from a 5mg here & there, all of the way to that much, that fast?

How did all of this even happen? How can you go from this girl who swore she would never touch a drug, to someone who let drugs consume her life?

Well, you’re about to find out…

I started hanging out with an old friend & that’s when I tried my first pill. She had been prescribed them for something that she was dealing with. For a long time, it was something that just her & I did together. That’s how I thought it would stay. This is also where my #1 lesson in listening to your intuition comes into play. My gut was telling me not to but the last person I ever listened to was myself. That was the day I ended up doing the one thing I swore I would never do… stick something in my nose. As a matter of fact, I was super judgemental toward people who did. But there I was, officially a hypocrite.

One night, I drag her with me to hang out with a guy I knew. I had never been to his house before & didn’t want to go alone. But girl, I have to tell you, times like this are the perfect example as to why (once again) you should ALWAYS listen to your intuition. When you enter a house you’ve never been in, 5-6 guys you don’t know, & it’s just you 2 girls; when you get that uneasy feeling, listen! I’m begging you – your intuition is always right. The next thing you know, you’re driving to someones house who you don’t know, to buy pills. Then, you’re doing a xanax for the first time. Let me just remind y’all, I didn’t even know what a xanax was. Little did you know, it wouldn’t be as fun of a night as you had originally hoped for. It was the scariest feeling, trying to walk down the stairs, feeling like you’re in a narrow tunnel, walking in slow motion, head feeling all fuzzy, almost like your body is made out of led. You get to the bottom finally, & all you want to do is lay down. You’d think that would be enough to make me not do anymore, but it wasn’t. I awoke the next morning, feeling like hell, my girl friend hadn’t left my side that whole night, but my stuff looked like it had been moved. Honestly though, I was unsure so I didn’t think anything of it. I don’t know how she felt, but I can tell you, I was more than ready to get out of that place. We weren’t prepared for what we would find when we got to my truck…. My doors were unlocked & anyone who knows me, knows I always kept my doors locked, it didn’t matter where I was. The backseat where all of our clothes & bags were, had been rummages through. Almost a whole tank of gas, her money, & my camera… Gone. We decided to say to hell with it & just leave. For a long time, I regretted taking her there with me, I felt so bad about what had happened. At the same time, I thank God that she was there because who knows what would have happened if I had been by myself.

Some time that year, I was introduced to this guy that was a friend of hers, along with one of his friends who was there.

Fast forward…

His friend & I began talking, hanging out, & eventually starting a relationship. He only lived a few minutes up the road from me so I was there a lot. He had been on perscription pain medicine for quite a few years before I ever met him. I never once saw him abuse them. He would offer me one, or her if she was with us, or we would do one before we went out somewhere, but that was it. Things were great… in the beginning. We ended up moving in with the guy I met him through & we had a blast for a bit. Sometimes there were insane parties. A whole band in the garage playing, people everywhere, paying for cups just to get a drink, the whole 9. I was used to bonfires & getting drunk, not walking into the house & seeing people doing things that you had never even seen before. It didn’t take long before the parties faded & it was just the 4 of us (his girlfriend ended up moving in also) We were doing pills more often than before, & at some point, tensions began to rise in the house. Looking back on it, I know now that it was the pills, but I didn’t then. I couldn’t grasp what was going on, I just didn’t understand what had happened, & so fast. The guy we lived with, all of a sudden started changing, noticeably. One night, you could hear him freaking out, things got physical, & we had to intervene. His girlfriend was scared & ended up staying in the room with us for the night. All night, you could hear him walking around outside of the room & the next morning it all unravelled. He was cussing, getting in everyones face, telling us to get out, he was pissed. We had already planned on leaving that day anyway, but we packed everything, took his girlfriend with us, & we left.

As scary as it was to see him act that way, it was absolutely heartbreaking to watch him change so fast. On edge all of the time when he used to be so chill, agitated by every little thing, short tempered when he used to be cool, the total opposite from when I first met him.

This is a picture of me during my addiction. I have not shared these anywhere else.

After we moved out of there, we got a 1 bedroom apartment. I remember thinking, maybe things were going to be good from now on & they were for a little bit. Slowly, things began to crumble. Or I thought they were. I realized now that all of it was God’s way of sending me little signs to go. But I didn’t know any better… Yet.

My truck, my baby, the one thing that I could call my own, broke down. I lost the job I loved so much, over something absolutely ridiculous. Eventually, some time down the road, I stopped going to college too. I could feel myself losing faith in everything. Every time something happened, even the smallest thing, I could feel the sadness settling into my body, more & more. Along with the pain that I was already feeling before that. All of those things I had been feeling, I was supposed to feel them, but I always felt ashamed of how I felt, like I shouldn’t show my emotions, I should just cover them up. I didn’t think I could handle what I was feeling inside, I didn’t know how, & when I tried, I didn’t want to feel it any longer. I tried so hard to avoid them when I should have just felt them & let them go into the clouds when I was ready. I believed I was too weak. I wasn’t. You aren’t either. I kept telling myself “well, you’ve hit rock bottom, you’ve got nothing else to lose, why not just move in?” I thought it would help me forget things that were going on, I thought I was going to be happy. Once again, I was so wrong.

I had been driving my mama’s car back & forth since my truck was out of commission. My mama didn’t like him & refused to let me take the car there so I did whatever I had to get there. Most of the time I’d either have my best friend pick me up or I would walk. When my best friend moved in, I was always there. Hell, there were periods of time where I don’t remember how much time passed since I had been home or talked to my mom. Anyone who knew me, knew I didn’t go long without talking to her. But then, I did. And that was one of those things that I had a hard time forgiving myself for.

All I gotta say is, damn I’m glad those walls can’t talk. I’d hate to hear what they would have had to say…

Another picture of me in active addiction.

Fighting, partying, smoking, drinking, pills, cocaine, random people in & out all of the time. It didn’t take long before I started losing a lot of sleep. If I wasn’t partying or getting high, I was on edge, looking over my shoulder, feeling like I couldn’t trust anyone, & the ones I thought I trusted, I began to question their loyalty as well. I was leery of everyone all of a sudden. I started to sleep with my belongings in my bra, in my own apartment. I’d wake up in the middle of the night sometimes & just stare at the door, thinking someone was going bust through it any second. Even scarier than that is when you’re so high that you’re nodding out with a lit cigarette in your hand, sitting straight up, dropping them on yourself. I used to have dreams that one of us burnt the apartment down with us in it. It was terrifying. That was one of the top shameful things on my list. I had this one pair of super soft pink pajama pants that I loved. After living there, they turned into pants with burn marks in them. I specifically kept them as a painful reminder, for years. Him & I would get into some pretty nasty arguments, sometimes he even threatened to use his pills in a negative way. We would scream, get in each others face, sometimes I thought I was going to rip his head off & I’m sure he felt the same way about me. There were times when it seemed like things were perfect but they weren’t. If I wanted to go somewhere, he would say things that made me feel guilty, or like I was doing something wrong. Most of the time, I’d end up staying. It wasn’t long before I started to cancel on friends, missing out on events, not going places, etc. Eventually most, if not all of my relationships became strained, some turned nonexistent, few would be mended after time but many never would. I used to blame him for that; it wasn’t his fault, it was mine. If I didn’t have a way, I’d walk there, even if it was 3AM. I didn’t like the dark OR being alone. But I did it. I’ll tell y’all what though… The night my parents rolled up in that yard, I don’t think I had ever moved so fast. By the time my dad knocked on the door, I had already had my bags & was hauling ass out of the door. I don’t think I even said anything. I’m pretty sure I just got up & bolted. That was one of the many opportunities that God gave me, to leave & not turn back. But I didn’t listen & I went back still.

I watched several different doctors over prescribe to people that I knew. Sometimes they were getting 2-3 full scripts a month. They were supposed to be monitoring the use, they weren’t. I knew people who were getting them from several places at one time. I saw people I knew going to jail for stealing prescription pads, for forging checks, robbing people, etc.

I witnessed friends of mine climb out of my truck & into a truck full of random guys. Full of worry & panic, trying to get her to not go & to just stay at the bar with us but you can’t stop anyone from doing what they have their mind set on, period. I’ve been chased, harassed, threatened, scared for my life, a lot of the time for things I didn’t even do.

As the addiction grew worst, so did everything else it seemed. I lost count of how many pills we were doing daily, sometimes so many that I would get sick. I’d run to the bathroom, throw up, wash my face, go back out & snort another one. That’s how bad it got. I could have died, I could have overdosed, but did I think about that then? Of course not.

I’ll never forget the day my grandmother came over to visit or the concern in her voice when she started to ask questions. Wondering if I was okay, about my weight, if I was depressed, if I was eating, if I was sleeping. Who knows what I even told her then but when you go from 175-180 down to 145 in no time, people worry. It didn’t take long before my mom also started to become concerned about my health. I even so much as went to a doctors appointment to see why I was losing so much weight. I knew why, but she didn’t. I sat there thinking, “just tell her, now is the time, ask her for her help” but I didn’t. All I could think about was how heartbroken she would be. I couldn’t do that to her. She didn’t deserve it. Sure, she would have been heartbroken but she would have made sure that I was okay, she would have been there for me, she would have done anything she could to help me. Once again, when your intuition tells you to do something, you do it.

At some point your vision becomes such a blur that you can’t see anything clear anymore. I found myself asking, how did things get this bad & why can’t I seem to walk away? The problem is that no matter how many times you ask, you can’t answer. Everything is so murky, you don’t know which way is up or down, left or right. If we weren’t high, it seemed like we were at each others throats. I didn’t even know what our relationship was anymore. As more things happened, the more concerned I became. I worried if he was going to get into trouble or worst. I worried the same when it came to myself. I started to catch him talking to other girls. I started cheating, acting like I didn’t care, found ways to get my own pills & whatever else I wanted. But I still kept going right back to him. The more that I kept telling myself that I didn’t deserve anything better than rock bottom, the further I was slipping away. Instead of just owning up to my mistakes & choices, I acted like my addiction was punishment for something, I even blamed others. I went through this stage of anger at everyone. I had been accused of stealing his pills, made to feel like a bad person, just for him to find them right where I said he put them. I never stole from him, but sometimes I worried if he would do something to me thinking I had. His mom had to come over & check on us one night because she could hear us from her apartment, yelling at each other. There were things happening right in front of my face that I knew were wrong, that I knew I should have spoken up about, but I didn’t do anything to stop it, & it made me even more paranoid than before.

In active addiction, you stop caring about things you normally would, things that were once important, & if you’re like I was, you didn’t really care about yourself anyway but when you get lost in addiction you don’t care at all. You don’t ask yourself if you’re happy, if the relationship you’re in is good for you, if you’re being treated the way you deserve or if you’re treating others the way that they deserve. Once you catch that next high, every worry you have will vanish, so who cares right? I stopped asking all of the important questions & lost control of everything. There’s one important thing you need to know though, before you decide to do something thinking it’s going to solve everything…. Until you face whatever you’re going through, the feelings will never go away. Sure, you can mask them temporarily, but it’s never permanent unless you choose to live that way for the rest of your life.

In the blink of an eye, everything was gone; the apartment, friendships, everything in the apartment. I ended up going home, & he moved in with his mom. The partying didn’t stop. There are times when I don’t even fully remember what happened, some things are simply just a blur. I’ve had to omit certain stories from this post just because I don’t truly remember all of it. Neither of us, along with a lot of people we knew, were acting like ourselves anymore. I unbuckled him & pulled him out of the car one night, another time he left me asleep on the couch at a friends house down the street & I woke up with some guy I didn’t know, sitting on the couch by me. I even had to call the cops on him one night & have them pick him up right around the corner from my house. I walked home extremely late one night after a fight, & I don’t know if it was paranoia, the drugs, or my intuition, but this particular night, I was scared & felt like he was following me. I remember praying as I walked, that I would get home safely but I got so nervous that I called a friend to come & get me & drive me the rest of the way, even if it was only just across the highway.

Even when I wasn’t with him, I was still up to my usual shenenigans, still getting high too. Now that I had made new “friends” it was harder for me to get away from that life.

A lot of time had passed since we split up but when he called to tell me that his mom was in the hospital, I rushed there as fast as I could. One hospital visit, seeing how sad everyone was, giving him one ride home & I was right back there. I started sneaking around behind my moms back, lying, taking the car up there when I wasn’t supposed to & lets just say, that came to an end real quick when my mom showed up at the door with a town cop. My heart dropped to the ground. I didn’t know what to say, so I just stood there with a blank look on my face, probably high at the time too. I was lectured by the officer about worrying my mom & taking her car. I felt like the worst daughter in the world. She took the keys & told me to not come home. I could see the disappointment on her face, hear the pain in her voice. My mom had never told me to not come home. But guess what? I still stayed. I chose him. I chose his family. I chose getting high. My priorities were so messed up & I couldn’t see any of it. Instead of using this moment as a wakeup call, instead of making things right with my mom, I used it as another excuse to get high. I remember just wanting it to go away. It did. It went away, but only until the high wore off. It took me a long time to forgive myself for that day. After that, I stayed there for some time with them. His mom & I would sit in bed every morning, drinking coffee, & watching TV, sometimes we even had little girls days together. Those are times that I will forever cherish. But other than that, things were far from good, especially how I was feeling on the inside. It seemed like everyone was at each others throats. Friends were stealing from each other & taking pills from each other, no one trusted anyone, people accusing each other, some relationships were completely demolished. There were times when things were getting so crazy that I didn’t know if someone was going to kill someone, hurt someone, anything. Tensions were higher than ever. The thought of death, going to jail, being beaten up & robbed, abducted, sexually abused, etc. crossed my mind every time I had a sober moment. But I covered those fears up with pills too. Back then, I was so lost in the darkness that I didn’t even care what happened to me. Whatever I got, I deserved. That’s the mindset I always had. I lived in this F it attitude for far too long. And girl, I’m telling you, it’s not a good attitude to have.

The truth is, I was stubborn, in self destruct mode, sad, feeling lost, feeling alone even when there were all kinds of people around. I truly believed that I would never find my way out of the darkness. I felt trapped in my own body. Like a prisoner. For so long I lied, kept what I was doing, where I was at from my parents. Anything could have happened to me & they would have had no idea where I was or where to even start looking.

Sometimes, all it takes is one little thing, one night, one trigger, to make you rethink it all. This one night, I stayed at the apartment while him & another man took a trip hours away. They came back around 3AM with pills so you already know I had him cut me a line out. As soon as I snorted it, something in me triggered to ask what it was… Heroin. I had just snorted heroin. I could feel this sense of panic come over me. Now, just a friendly reminder, at this time opioids were the “thing” – no one I knew did heroin. I still can’t tell you why it upset me so bad, but this feeling of betrayal took over my mind, & I just wanted to go home all of a sudden. By morning, my decision had been made. I packed my bags, gave his momma the biggest hug, cried, told her I loved her & was sorry but I had to go. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do leaving there. But at the same time, it was so easy to not look back.

The day I left, the flashbacks started flooding my mind, & it was enough to make me want to turn back….

Coke. Pills upon pills. Ecstasy once. Weed. Drinking. Crack. I tried it all. And every shameful memory overcame me that day. When it came to pills, I did pretty much anything I coud get my hands on, from percocet to aderol to vicodin to methadone & more, on top of everything else I was doing, I smoked a lot of weed, drank a lot of alcohol (something else I struggled with for years) & most of the time I was mixing it all. I did shameful things, allowed things to happen, hung out with people who were trouble, sometimes hanging out with people I barely knew, putting myself in so many uncomfortable positions, even scary ones that I thought I wouldn’t make it out of. For what? A high? To run away from my problems? And that’s when it all started to set in. Now that I was sober, I could see clearer, but I started to feel lower about myself, being a lot harder on myself. Warning: When the haze begins to clear out, a lot of scary realizations will arise. Be prepared for them because if you’re not, they can really do some damage.

I had gone against everything I ever believed in, anything I ever said I wouldn’t do, & my morals went straight out the window. I felt like a horrible person & an even worse Christian. What would everyone think? What did God think? What did I think? Sadly, I didn’t completely get away from that life though. I still hung around with the same types of people, still doing the same things. Throughout the years after, there were times when I struggled with my drinking, times when I would dabble with the pills & coke again. I took a big chance by doing that even just here & there when I so easily could have slipped & fell again again. My mind was stronger than it used to be, but not THAT strong.

The truth is, I lived too many years in the negative, beating myself up, self sabotaging & self destructing my own life, along with hurting others in the process. I don’t want any of it for you, boo. It will destroy you. Although for a long time, I didn’t care, I’m so thankful that I’m actually able to sit here & talk to you about all of these things today. I care now. About myself AND about you ♡

In the recent years, I’ve spent a shit ton of time working on myself, inside & out. I mean I did more inner work over the last few years than I ever had my entire life. It took quite some time but when the pieces started to come together, I realized that it was time…. Time to tell my stories, to use my words for good, to use my voice to help others. I even noticed that my writing has changed since then. It’s not so negative focused & it’s not all about the bad.

So many things come along with addiction, aside from the addiction itself. I want you to be aware & prepared for it all. There are going to be people that will judge the shit out of you, some of them will even attempt to make your life hell over it. Some will look at you differently & some will completely write you off for it. It’s not going to be easy whatsoever; you’ll hit some major low spots, times when you feel like you only have yourself but you got to work through them. You can’t give up, you can’t give in. Take it from me when I say that it’s BEYOND worth fighting for every day. And I’m telling you right now that you are NOT protecting your loved ones by keeping it from them; in the end, it’s going to hurt them more that you didn’t tell them. For example, my mama who has been my best friend my whole life – I could have told her anything. I always did, except for this. If I had told her, she would have went to the ends of the Earth to try & help me. All I had to do what let go of the fear of hurting her. The problem is, when you’re consumed in that high, when you’re trying so hard to hide it from everyone, you don’t think clearly. You make poor choices, your judgement is far off, you become irresponsible, your priorities end up way off track, I mean everything is a big old hot mess. It’s hard to not beat yourself up over it & if you’re not careful, beating yourself up can lead you right down that same road. Addiction makes you feel like you’re care free when really you’re just being careless (huge difference in the two by the way) But girl, when all of these things hit you & things finally start to clear up some, it’ll knock you straight to your knees to pray.

The questions will flood your mind like an ocean but if you’re not asking the right ones, they can bring you further into the darkness…

Some of the questions I used to ask myself were bringing me further down instead of lifting me up.

Use your voice baby girl, don’t hold it in for even 1 second longer. Don’t let the pain define you, let it make you better, let it help you grow.

Your loved ones, they care about you more than you know. They want to see you happy. they want to be there for you. These people know & see your true potential, even when you can’t see it yourself, even when you don’t believe what they say. Just remember that you don’t have to do anything alone, & it’s okay to reach out. There are so many people & options out there for you. Asking is the hardest part. You can’t be helped if you don’t ask. I know because I didn’t ask. I know because so many people I’ve lost, didn’t ask. Let someone help you, let someone in, please. And if you don’t know where to turn, reach out to me.

You are responsible for your choices, your decisions, & your life. You are the only one that can write the chapters. You’re the only one standing in your way, the only one stopping you from living a happy, beautiful, free life. Move over & let the real you, shine.

Who am I? Where’s the girl I used to be? Will I ever find her again?

She’s not lost in time love, she’s right there inside, waiting for you to release her. She wants to be free but you’re stopping her by living in your past, by letting the drugs cloud up your mind, by being so negative, by self sabotaging & self destructing. Release yourself baby. Mindset is everything babes. All it takes is a single thought & you can manifest more into your life without realizing it. Take caution because your mind is also a very dangerous place, treat it right, because I didn’t for a long time & it destroyed me. Perspective, mindset shift, change, growth, hope, faith, forgiveness – they make the world of a difference & have helped me to create huge shifts in my life. We’ll also be talking all about that coming up.

God gave me a lot of chances, tried to guide me, tried to show me the way, but I couldn’t always see that. The truth is, sometimes the sadness, the grief is so heavy & so dark that you ignore everything else unknowingly.

Forgiveness all of the way around is probably one of the hardest things in life to do, but also one of the most important & freeing. We will talk more about that soon.

I got to be honest though, there are always going to be people who try to bring you down & suck you back in. I want you to know… I NEED you to know, it’s okay to walk away from anything that isn’t good for you. People grow up & grow apart every day. Realize, not everyone is meant to be around forever. Some people are placed into your life only to teach you something. It’s hard as hell but so damn worth it. As a matter of fact, sometimes it’s the most important step. Someone will say “oh you think you’re better than me now?” Because you changed your life. Don’t take it to heart & do NOT let it get you down. You value your life & your sobriety – never feel bad for that. You’re not wrong for wanting to do better. I also want you to know, I know how super easy it is to find yourself feeling lost & lonely again, especially when everything is fresh & new, especially when something goes wrong or someone triggers you. I know how easy it is to allow those things to consume you again. I want you to feel it, let the emotions take over, breathe deep, then let it go into the sky.

I’m not proud of any of the things I did, I’m not saying that they were okay to do, they weren’t. I was irresponsible & sometimes selfish. I didn’t think before I acted or spoke a lot of times. I could have gotten hurt, others could have gotten hurt, anything at all could have happened. I used to be so ashamed of the things I did that I would even lie about them. I know now that what I did, the mistakes I made, how I was treated, all of it was for a purpose. My past does not define who I am, it does not tell what kind of person I am on the inside. The beautiful thing about it all are the lessons learned along the way, the experiences, how drastically things have changed since, for the better. I decided to use my past as a tool, no longer a crutch. Now here I am.

I’m proud to say that it’s been 6+ years & I’ve never been more proud of myself (other than when I became a mama) but this isn’t about me, it’s about you too. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been clean for one minute or one year, progress is progress no matter how small. But only you can take that first step. People will try to make you feel like you’re not going to make it, but they don’t know you, I know you’re going to make it. Besides, thats THEIR opinion, that’s NOT fact babes. I have faith in you even if you don’t have any yet. I know that if I could do it, so can you. It doesn’t how quickly you go, as long as you push forward every single day.

My absolute best tip for anyone who is reading this… Journal EVERYTHING out. Every thought, every feeling, every pain, every happy moment. Literally everything. Deep breaths make all the difference, so remember to breathe mindfully. Even one step further, burn it when you’re done if you’re feeling drawn to do so, but if not, it’s still just as freeing. If you don’t like to journal & it’s like nails on a chalkboard to even think of doing it, do something YOU enjoy. Paint, take a walk outside, sing, color, dance. Whatever feels good to you boo.

Be sure to share this with someone who may need to read this & stay tuned for Chapter 2 (oh yeah, there’s more!)

I pray that if you’ve never been personally affected by addiction in any way, this can shed at least a little light for you. I pray that if you’re fighting addiction, it helps you to see that there is always hope. I pray that if you love an addict this can help you somehow too. And, if you’ve lost a loved one due to addiction, I pray that you find peace ♡

I love all of you & will always be here to support & uplift you, regardless of what you’re going through. Ladies, come check out the private womens community ➡️ WSA – Overcome & Stand Strong 🌬🌻

This is me today. It doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from, we are all worthy & we all deserve to be happy & free. The sooner you see that, the better! I promise.

Side note: Although I don’t have to & although I’ve since made peace with everything, some of you may not have. That being said, I’d like to personally apologize to anyone I never had the chance to. Anyone I ever hurt, lied to, did wrong. I’m sorry to my loved ones for not speaking up or asking for help.

If you’re going through addiction yourself, I will be praying for you & your recovery every day. I know every step of the pain, hurt, emotion, feeling that goes along that road; From all angles – being an addict, loving an addict, AND losing someone to addiction. None of them are easy to cope with, they are all painful in their own ways. I’m here if you need support or anything at all.

I love all of you. Be strong.